Time to get heavy...

Lately, everyday feels like a struggle. I constantly fight the demons that plague me. I fight to hold them down. I feel like I can't be normal and enjoy the wonderful people around me. I ask myself, why can't I just be happy all the time? Why do I worry about every little thing? Once I was normal. Once I was a happy go lucky, carefree woman. Once upon a time, I loved who I was. I look at them, the small people who love me unconditionally, who don't understand when mom yells, who kiss me when I am sad, and I wonder how being me will affect them in the future. I don't want them to have a crazy mom. I don't want them to hate me. I don't want them to be like me. How do I get out of my head and into real life? How do I take the steps to feel normal again? I want to play with them and not freak out about a million tiny things floating in my head. I want to be normal.

How do I live in the here and now and not in the what if? I want to live in the here with my kids, not in the murky no one knows future. How do I knock the wall down between there and here? How do I fight the guards that are stationed at the top? I want to face this head on. I want to go down fighting, if I'm going to go down. I want out of my head and into the world.

From today on, I will fight. I will break down my walls. I will be the mom that they deserve. I will be the wife that he deserves. I will be the person that I want to be.